This feels good.
When I was younger, I took a ton of pride in my writing and I created some beautiful things. My words came heavily from my emotions, and as emotions can go, they yielded a wide range of harshness and (sometimes) sweetness and beauty and destruction. Writing was something I was good at. Writing is something I have let slip away from me. In my defense though, I no longer have the emotions I had when I was 18.
That is something I’m proud to say. This little body used to house some heavy stuff. Now, this little body is home to a better version of that, a supreme version of who and what I once was. I love it. I feel like myself. Nothing about me is a stranger to me. In order to attain this though, I have lost things about myself I used to know. I can’t feel this loss regularly, which is good. I feel a lot. I will elaborate on this gift in a later post, but just so you’re aware from the beginning. I feel a lot.
I am 23 now. I can say I haven’t written anything that I impressed myself with since I was 20 or so. For a writer, that is a terribly long time. My fingers ache for pen and paper but my cogs have been stuck. I have decided it’s because I am in a different mental state than my prior self, but my expectations are still with my prior self. I experience completely different things and one of the best and truest things I’ve ever known is that good writers write about what they know. I know new things than what I knew when I was twisting words into art, amazing and real things. My passions used to lie in metaphors and similes but now I think my passions lie in honest and true real life.
I met and fell in love with my husband when I was 16 and he was 18. As any couple goes, we had some ups and downs, breaks and disagreements. We took time apart when I was 19 and in those months, we grew separately but still (unintentionally) on the same path. We chose to be together because we had grown in the necessary ways and we wanted the responsibility of each other’s well being again. He felt like home. The writing in my past was stemmed from confusion and anger, to say the least. I didn’t learn much from it but how to make my feeling physical. I can’t say it was a positive influence on my personal growth, but it was personal growth.
We have reached a plateau, now. We have a life together, good jobs and dreams for our future. Being young and being married has many facets, of which I want to talk about here, but since the day we said “I Do” things have been so overwhelmingly and absolutely wonderful that my writing will have a different flair. I am excited for this change. I am excited to resume this gift. Here’s to this adventure!