I began this year with a magenta yoga mat and my heart to the earth. I had long red hair and a new sense of determination. I spent months moving furniture to have enough space to spend time with my body and I grew. I changed. My relationship with myself had a new meaning, a different feeling altogether, and it began to trickle beyond myself and into my world and I spent a lot of time testing it. This was no waste.
January first began as many of mine and my husband’s have in the past: in the guest bedroom of our best friends’ home, kind of and/or extremely hung over. This is not a habit. Usually we are able to make it to my grandmother’s for black eyed peas (for good luck) however this year we made our way home and spent the entire day in bed together. This was the first time we neglected a family get together. It’s fine. The second time we neglected a family get together came in July, which was not fine, as we, grown adults, were scolded for our decisions like children. It set irritation in our hearts but we took care to nurture its future. Pleasing everyone is an unattainable goal in a marriage, this is something we are still working hard to accept.
I took care to notice the way I treated my environment and the people that inhabit it. I grew less harsh, I started choosing my battles and my words. I grew more considerate. I grew more loving. I found that what you put forth into your world, your world will return to you and I found happiness there. I found a kindness that only asks for kindness. I found a place that I wanted to exist within. I found forgiveness. I tried and am still trying to move forward from the injustices of my past. I forgave myself. I forgave others. My heart is getting used to making more space for good things.
I watched people I love struggle a lot this year. I watched them lie and cheat and cry into my lap. I watched them lose love both great and small. I watched my sister go through an engagement and plan a wedding that never happened. I watched friendships fall apart. I watched my own very best friendship fall apart and eventually slowly begin rebuilding… Even as I watched it blossom elsewhere and choose others to be closer. I questioned my choices and my loyalties. I second guessed so much. I both listened to and ignored my gut as I tried to be a neutral good. My heart ached for months.
I left Facebook this year. I have begun the slow, slow process of detaching from virtual validation. It’s been months and I don’t feel sad nor do I pine for the attention of others. My Instagram is humble, my Twitter is growing sparse and my tumblr is a precious little diary, a safe place. I started writing again, the purpose of this blog. I am content and in control, experiencing and ready to experience more. My stomach turns for the addicted ones.
Mine and my husband’s travels were rich, we shared many firsts and many states. Some friends of ours moved home and some friends moved (sadly, far) away. I stopped dying my hair and these locks are back to their golden glory. I am growing it long enough to donate.
2016 is coming fast and I am so sad to say goodbye. I grew so much this year despite the weight of all the people I’ve been before. I am looking forward, though, to a new year and new possibilities, new adventures and new acceptances. I cannot wait to see and feel and love and grow in a new time. To you, 2015. Thank you for one of the most important years of my life.