WE DID IT. For three and a half years Jordan has been begging me to let us join a wholesale membership for savings galore. I always said no because of our apartment situation and the lack of space for bulk buying – the MOST valid reason mind you – but we’re about 15 days away from moving into our first house (and nothing but the books and media are packed) so to put off packing even more…. I SAID YES!! Yes to weird elite goods membership for the rest of my life with my best friend.
It is our fault that we didn’t check google for peak business activity – but we went at the wrong time. 3pm on Sunday is THE. BUSIEST. TIME. OF. THE. WEEK. In our case this only meant that hundreds of people would see the complete terror on our faces instead of tens. And we would feel rushed. And it would be crowded. And it would be hard to soak in enough to write a proper blog entry.
We were directed to enter through the exit door and sign our life away. We stood in line for a few minutes, got a good look at the tire center and the appliance line up. A woman named Terra helped us.
Let me tell you about Terra. Terra talks fast. Terra is full of information. Terra really wants you to be an executive member. Even when you say no. And no again. And explain that you have a tire guy. And really great insurance already. And you can’t refinance your mortgage because you just got one. And so on and so forth. Mildly annoying, at best. Honestly, I liked Terra. I understood Terra.
Until she called me five.
I know I look young. It’s a blessing. I know I wore only my engagement ring today and left my wedding band at home. I just wanted to, okay? I know my email address is kind of juvenile and it matches my husbands (Oh, MRS. Higgins?) and if you’re going to ask about it and I explain to you that we made them when we were teenagers, that doesn’t give you the right to be like, oh, so yesterday?
Our conversation went like this:
Terra: you knew each other when you were teenagers?
Me: yes, we started dating at 16
Terra: and you’re like five, now
WHAT THE FUCK TERRA. WHAT THE FUCK.
THEN Terra proceeds to push a credit card on us even though I mentioned we are about to close on a house. I decline and say I use Discover. She laughs at me and whispers we don’t take Discover. Or Amex. That’s the last straw. This woman hates me. And I hate her. There is mutual hate.
Moving on, it’s time to take our photos. The photo lady was nicer. I told her I needed to remove my scarf and coat because I’m “going to have kids one day and they’re going to see this and ask what that stupid thing is around my neck because global warming has never allowed them to have a winter” – word vomit. Words are my favorite thing even when I’m using them to dig my own grave in the mind of people that don’t know me. I can’t remember if she laughed. I was just worried about my forehead looking big.
Liscenced and ready – we step foot into the land. The ceiling is high and the shelves are high and the stuff is piled up high. I feel so small and human. Lots of thoughts ran through my mind for the next two hours. I was still pissed about Terra but it’s okay, I got to try the best spinach and artichoke dip in the world. My hands were freezing but it’s okay – I found a 12 pack of chicken breasts for $23. Also this:
Hilariously, we bought two bottles of wine and ground pepper. While waiting to check out I turned to Jordan, satisfied with the deals and bulk things and excited about the future and said to him “I can really see us raising a family here.”
And he laughed at me and said “In Costco?”